An Exaltation of Ex-Lax--a Parody of Some Reviews: Part 1 of 395

It's not enough to say, of course, that Batman v Superman is the most unpleasant movie to disgrace the screen in thirty years. Others have already said that in the most vitriolic terms. I can't hope to match their rancor, though I would go farther and claim that is the most revolting film that I have never seen. To sit through it, I would imagine, is like watching The Exoricist III while drowning in beet juice and listening to the imbecilic atonalities of Tangerine Dream or Tiny Tim. So do forget about competing with the rancor of my rivals. And let me defeat them in learning and length.

We begin, per Aristotle, in media res. Which is to say not with the Greeks or the Romans, but with the Abyssinians, whose beloved epic Ajxreszia--and that's pronounced the way it's spelled--laid down the very foundation for the plot mechanics of B v S. Well-known in the groves of academe, the strategy is referred to as the Abyssinian Bop: begin with the dreary and the abysmal...proceed in slowly measured steps to the depressing and the revolting...and close to a great blast of trumpets with clashing symbols, gouts of blood, and philosophical folderol.

Now, we're not to meant to actually like either one of the titular monsters. But when has that fact ever stopped a public entertainment? Remember Frankenstein and the Wolf Man...King Kong v Godzilla...George W Bush v John Kerry...The Hateful Eight v The N-Word...Hans Landa v Aldo Raine...

Now, here's the key thing to remember when you hope against hope against hope to enjoy this Marvel-ous monstrosity: it reflects the evolution of the Abyssinian spirit today. B v S leaves us not without hope but with the constructive hope of better enduring such BS again. Furthermore, it offers a new kind of integrity. For, as it picks our pockets, it reloads them with nuggets that glitter though they are utterly useless: carefully planted references to arcane cultural and comic book lore. References that come to mind without having seen a frame of the film: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Apocalypse Now, Moby Dick, The Hollow Men, Cabaret, The Mahabharata, Beowulf, Hiroshima Mon Amour, All in the Family, The Far Side, Doonesbury...





Next up, in part 2, I'll show how smart I really am! I'll give you the critical terms you'll all need for this unending discussion. Alliteration? Anapest?  Anaphora? Asyndeton? Homophones? Have no fear, you'll learn them all--and you'll get the lesson as if in rap from Eminem!